Friday, 28 February 2014

Mrs Misfit Tries to have Sex in Winter

Suffering from yet another cold and keeping her distance as waved her husband goodbye from the front step, Mrs Misfit pondered upon what intimacy they had shared during the cold winter months.

It occurred to her that sex,or indeed any real intimacy was difficult in winter if not impossible.

There was the obvious problem of the cold. The cold that gets into every nook and cranny, The cold that, being on a budget took hold of every corner of the house when the heating was perpetually turned off. The cold that even left her wearing warm clothing in the shower.

The possibility of sex lessened considerably when addressing house attire. What would normally be clothes worn on a country walk now became the norm for a night in front of the TV. 
It was no surprise that the ardour they may have felt on their way to bed did not last long enough for the removal of their many layers...
There was no chance at all of making mad passionate love whilst swinging from a chandelier (though this was unlikely at the best of times and highly overrated, usually resulting in re-plastering the ceiling rather than sexual pleasure)
In fact, sex in general was reduced to a preoccupation with locating and maintaining the duvet rather than locating and maintaining erogenous zones...
In short, Mrs Misfit concluded that sex in winter was a difficult affair subject to the perpetual bouts of flu, trying not to get near each other for fear of passing on germs and the endless battle with preserving one 's own body heat.

Mrs Misfit was determined to break the mould resolve this problem...

When her husband came home from work that evening he was forced to strip naked and be thoroughly decontaminated on the front doorstep...
This process was repeated every night for the next few days,much to the shock of the neighbours.
Finally, germ free, no snot, no fever, Mrs Misfit managed to have sex in winter...
And did not stress about where the duvet was!


Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Curiosity cat!

If something wakes you from a snooze, should you follow it? 
sometimes not!

Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Extra Yarn by Mac Barnett and Jon Klassen Book Review

Extra Yarn by Mac Barnett and Jon Klassen

Mac Barnett Storyteller:
Mac Barnett has written a charming story expressing the nature of creativity. Anabelle finds a box of colourful yarn and endeavours to knit a variety of outfits for the folk of her usually grey and sombre town. Her efforts become well renown attracting the attention of hoards of spectators longing to see her knitting. There is a dark section of the story which is beautifully resolved at the end.

Reading this story with my four year old little girl was lovely. There was a character that reminded her of her papa and we talked about how colour and the gift of creating something special brings happiness to others. The story obviously stayed with her for an hour after she went to bed she woke crying,'There's no wool for giraffe!'

After a little talk I discovered she dreamt that there was no wool to knit a jumper for giraffe. I told her to talk to Anabelle and ask her to knit a jumper for giraffe, she went to sleep smiling.

Jon Klassen Illustrator:

This book caught my eye immediately with it's fabulous illustrations. Jon Klassen captures the cosy, rainbow, woven nature of wool in every picture. The characters possess great expressions and the dark part of the story is dramatic. I am always beguiled by the expressive, charming and often hilarious drawings of Klassen.

The illustrations (apart from the book cover) are my own.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Inappropriate Valentine's Card

I wish I had time to illustrate this post and to actually make this card for my husband- perhaps next year.

After spending quite a few days cooped up with two small children due to illness and the weather, I have found the old parental tactics of bribery and persuasion with treats to have been invaluable.

It occurred to me that it might be a good idea to apply these tactics to my Valentine's Day card.

Instead of the usual hearts and flower motives and general sentiment of everlasting love I would make a list of demands along the lines of, 'I will love you if you;

1) Do the hoovering 
2) Make dinner
3) Walk the dog

You get the idea.

Perhaps promising love is not enticing enough so maybe it could read, 'I will perform (insert list of partner's favourite sexual exploits) if you do the following (insert own list of desired sexual favours/general housework or f**k it ask for a holiday).

After all, when you've been together a fair while there is no mystery lover excitement, we both know who is sending the card so why shouldn't we lay it on the line and say what we want?

Is this inappropriate? If I get some clothes washed for me who cares?

Mrs Misfit and her Rubbish Winter Coat - Funny Illustration

Mrs Misfit was struggling to maintain both warmth and dignity. All the other folk waiting to collect their children from nursery were snuggly buttoned up in long winter coats and sturdy wellies. Mrs Misfit inwardly cringed at the fact that she always focused on her children's wardrobe and never got round to sorting her own winter attire...

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Family Swim Morning Against All Adversity

In the middle of a dream where my dog stole a chicken off the neighbour's bar-b-q I woke with the alarm burring. My husband leapt from the bed, 'Come on, time to get up, we're already late.' This was news to me as I wasn't aware there had been any snoozes. (For some reason we set the alarm half an hour early just enjoy being repeatedly woken up in ten minute intervals until we actually need to get up.)

'Come on, we're late,' hubby shouts over his shoulder and bolts from the room. Blearily I check my mobile phone to find it's only 6am, a half hour before we need to get up.

This signaled the start of a hapless morning...

Every week we go swimming with the children, or rather hubby takes them in one at a time while I try to enjoy a quiet moment watching from the side (This never happens. What actually happens is that Girlie Girl dangles from every towel bar she can find, climbs the fake rocks and paddles in the dirty drain water. Toddler boy screams for endless sweets and tries to escape from the pushchair.)

On our walk across the car park I announce I've forgotten arm bands and goggles.

In the changing room I realise I've forgotten wet wipes just when Toddler Boy fills his nappy with more poo than I have ever seen. 

After much frantic searching I find there is no swim nappy for him.

Husband suddenly sits down with his head in his hands and moans, 'I've forgotten my swim shorts.'

The resolution:
Toddler Boy is mopped up with copious amounts of loo roll and put into normal nappy. Hubby wears his black denim shorts and I resolve to retrieve his uniform trousers from the car.

Feeling very pleased with our cleverness Girlie Girl and I take a seat pool side whilst Hubby and Toddler Boy walk into the pool and sit down. Hurrah.

A few minutes later they stand up. Toddler Boys nappy has absorbed pool water and trebled in size giving him the look of a squat pear and he can barely walk his legs are so far apart. Hubby's shorts are water logged and now so heavy that he has to permanently hold them up.

As for the lack of goggles, well, that was the least of our worries!

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

I've Actually Done Something Creative!

Being a stay at home mum with two children yet to start school there is little time to indulge in my creative side. Despite snot and colds, sleepless nights and no energy I have  actually managed to do something and even list it on folksy (my shop is called fancymade). 

I've been in a mermaid mood, here they are:

Pink Mermaid Diving off the Cornish Coastline

Green Mermaid Reaching for a Harvest Moon
Blue Mermaid Diving off the Cornish Coastline
Toddler Boy has woken up - I've run out of time!

Friday, 7 February 2014

Hormones - a Shared Problem for Me and my Mum

I went on a trip to town with my mum and two little ones today. Here's what happened...

My Toddler Boy has a serious plug fetish - this is normal plugs that you get on appliances and night lights. We got him his own set of plugs in the hope that it would cure him of his obsession. Unfortunately it seems to have made it worse. He insists on carrying an orange night light around with him. This little item is referred to as 'show show'. 

He lost his 'show show' countless times, threw it randomly at people and windows and became hysterical when it was taken off him.

My mum 'drove' the push chair and clearly needs somesort of test. The pushchair was driven into shelves, swiping a number of insoles for shoes off their hooks. At one point she got into bother steering the thing and nearly landed in a tower of Poundland shopping baskets. Toddler Boy also took a liking to a dustpan and brush set and proceeded to brush passers by and, at one point, managed to shove it into a woman's handbag. He grabbed a pencil set off the shelf and had it ripped open, contents scattered in seconds. My dear mum was oblivious to all of this - hilarious.

I stood talking to a friend I hadn't seen since summer completely oblivious to the fact that she was eight months pregnant. Thank goodness she is a wee thing that has a teeny bump. It was a different story when I stood talking to a, shall we say, bigger friend and had to be told that she was due to give birth in a week - how do I get out of that one? 'Oh sorry I couldn't tell there is a baby amongst your, er, body fat?' I know which one I prefer and now realise that thinking someone is not pregnant can get you in just as much hot water as thinking someone is when they're not!

I also had a total melt down at the supermarket check out. Previously I had decided to move my bank card from its usual slot in my purse because it kept getting stuck and put it in the slot next to it. I had spent a fractious hour trawling the aisles, grappling with the grabby hands of little ones and dealing with their hysterics. My trolley now heaved with many bags of stuff I had purchased in panic and now was the time to pay. No card. I went into meltdown. Laughing in a shrill banshee manner I fingered the slot repeatedly. My brain just would not register that the card was not there and the next logical thing would be to look in the rest of the purse. I turned puce, felt dizzy and had visions of being escorted off the premises amid shouts of 'Dirty stinking debtor!!!'

Thankfully I managed to recover the card and pay.

On the way home my mum and I discussed things in detail, as we always do. With much laughter at our dumb ass ways we concluded that we were both victims of our hormones. I am suffering from baby brain and my mum is menopausal. So, I am doomed to a prolonged time of baby brain only to move into the hormonal rollercoaster of the menopause - I think I will take my mum's advice and try to have a laugh at my failings, it's either that or crying in public - I know which one I prefer!

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Breaking Bad - "A Man Provides" speech

I think the word 'man' should be substituted with 'mum'. Only in my case I would add that, not only do mums not always get appreciated but they also endure the annoyance of things like; being hit on the chin with a toy tractor, having soup thrown at them and the ultimate shame of their toilet antics being announced in a loud falsetto voice in public loos - despite all this we endure and we provide because we are MUMS!!!