Thursday, 8 October 2015

Am I Being Unreasonable?

I had to go to the Headmaster's meeting at the school yesterday afternoon and I had to take my son with me. He's nearly four. Was I being unreasonable to expect him to sit quietly for half an hour?

Whether this was unreasonable or not, it certainly did not happen.

As he can now comprehend words, I thought he would be able to understand, 'Just sit next to me for a little bit and we'll listen to the headmaster.' If that didn't quite sink in, I really thought the promise of sweets at the end would keep him quiet. (Bribery is one of my trusted parenting techniques).

He nodded sagely and wriggled his bottom into the sit and quietly fiddled with the toy sword I had let him bring.

As soon as the Headmaster started his speech on the importance of online safety, my son threw the sword like a dart into the back on someone's head.

I retrieved the sword whispering many apologies.

Whilst doing so he collected all the leaflets off the empty chairs and threw them up in the air.

The Headmaster continued to talk on and on whilst I wrestled him onto my lap and tried to whisper loving things, funny things, promising things and finally threats in his shell like ears.

He wriggled off my lap and sprawled on the floor shouting, 'Help me mummy,' as though he were floating out to sea. When I ignored this he got to his feet and shouted, 'YOU DIDN'T HELP ME MUMMY!' Mortification settled heavily in my chest and shone bright red on my cheeks.

He screamed he wanted his sword. Should I give it back to him and risk it being launched as a missile again or should I deny him and endure the hysterical and loud fall out? I did the latter - the sound was deafening. He writhed about, accidentally head butting my nose and kicking my shin.

Just as I thought I might be the only parent to shout in the hall meeting - ever, he announced loudly, 'I need the toilet!'

Thank f**k thought I spying a chance to leave the room and give him a stern talking to in private.

Unfortunately a teacher walked in to the toilets just as I was berating him for his behaviour - why do I instantly feel guilty about this? By berating I mean that I was talking sternly about him being a big boy now and helping mummy, with a few references about missing out on future treats if he didn't behave himself. So why do I feel like I was caught out thrashing him with a chair whilst swearing?

I took the opportunity to leave the meeting at this point. Quite frankly I couldn't cope with the task set for me. This is the task set for any parents trying to deal with unruly children in a public space namely, you have to show an erratic infant that you are very angry whilst talking in a quiet and calm manner - impossible.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my child to behave himself when asked to?

Advice on keeping children occupied in a manner that lets me listen to a grown up talking, would be gratefully received!

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

Ups and Downs of Being a SAHM

So I'm half way through the week and, as usual there have been a few ups and downs.

The ups have been:

1) My little girl getting 100% in her spelling test.

2) My little boy prising himself away from the mountain of dinosaurs to kiss me goodbye at nursery - that must be true love, to choose me over dinosaurs!

3) I've managed to write the first chapter of my next Mrs Misfit short story, provisionally titled 'Autumn Antics'.

The downs have been:

1) Accidentally left my son's mattress draped over a heater. Returned to find it had melted and much of had welded itself to the radiator. I've spent many hours chiselling it off with a knife but it still looks like it's been shrink wrapped by a Tesco carrier bag.

2) Being repeatedly told, 'Unidentified object in the bagging area' in Tescos when the unidentified objects were my children. They just could not comprehend that when they sit or stand on the bagging area everything shuts down and mummy can't buy the new mattress protector to replace the one she melted!

3) Somehow managed to let loose an entire bag of sugar over all our shoes and boots in the porch. Such a tedious and fiddly job to get rid of it all before the ants get a whiff of it.

Thursday, 1 October 2015

10 Things That Mean You're a Parent.....

1) You know you're a parent when you find LEGO in your bed.

2) A common product in your hair is marmite.

3) You rejoice in a sunny day, not because you can sunbathe but because you can get your washing dry.

4) Your garden is the most overgrown in the street.

5) Your voice becomes more high pitched and overly jolly when you feel most frustrated. This is most evident when you're trying to prise your toddler off a rocking horse in front of other people. You say, 'Come along Freddie, time for home,' in an exuberant manner when you, and everyone else knows that what you really want to say is, 'Get off the bloody horse. I'm tired and want coffee after spending three years in this playground!'

6) It's a common occurrence for you to say things like, 'You can't make mud pies because the mud is on holiday.'

7) People look anxious when you ask them what they're doing at the weekend in case you ask them to babysit.

8) You know the term 'snuggle' does not mean to snooze and cuddle beneath the duvet. It means someone using you as a trampoline, driving a car up and down your legs and sticking a My Little Pony up your nose.

9) You've developed a crush on Mr Bloom.

10) You have an audience whenever you go to the toilet or perform any acts of personal hygiene.