Not a good start to the day for Marianne Misfit.
Lottie had finally returned from her Christmas holiday in Ibiza with her husband Colin. She stood like a proud bull swathed in tweed, her large, bovine face as red as a beetroot in the school playground.
Lottie had recently started a new career writing a blog called, 'Lottie Love, Sex and Gadget Guru' which was doing incredibly well. Her holiday was business as well as pleasure. It was time to research the world of threesome bedroom antics and, despite Colin's sore buttocks when they departed for the sunny sexual adventure, Lottie was pleased with her results.
As they had missed the traditional Christmas meal, Lottie was keen to have a turkey roast and so her conversation revolved around the best way to cook a turkey the size of an arm chair in her farmhouse cooker.
'Obviously you need a large turkey baster,' Patsy had stated, her pink lips pursed in their usual determined manner.
'A TURKEY BASTER, I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE,' boomed Lottie for whom speaking quietly was an impossibility. 'WHAT ABOUT THE SYRINGE I USE TO FERTILISE THE COWS?'
'That'll do, but sterilise it first,' replied Patsy who, despite her perfect nature was never perturbed by any of the crazy comments that Lottie shouted at her.
Marianne was about to add her idea to the mix when her three year old Arthur snatched another boys dinosaur and ran off with it. She left her friends and gave chase.
Whilst Marianne pursued Arthur about the muddy playground, intermittently trying to calm the hysterical boy and his equally hysterical and coldly judging mother, another mum, Jenny, joined Patsy and Lottie and started talking about her experiences with IVF.
'We've finally been successful,' Jenny gushed, 'I'm over the moon.'
'WELL DONE YOU,' hollered Lottie with open affection and slapped Jenny heartily on the back making the slender woman cough.
'I'm so pleased Jenny, I know it's been tough. All those trips to the hospital are now worthwhile. Fertility treatment is a difficult process I know, my sister is still trying and is starting to look at other alternatives,' said Patsy.
Just then Marianne returned and said, 'Don't bother with a baster or a syringe for fertilising cows, I find a large spoon is best for getting the juices in. Worked for me.' She smiled broadly but was surprised to find everyone staring back at her as though she had just soiled herself in public.
Jenny stroked Patsy's arm and said, 'I hope your sister gets there in the end,' then she threw Marianne another disgusted look just as the doors opened to let the children into their classroom.
Funny Festivities: amzn.to/1OBSaGY
It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?
Funny Love: amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd
When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.
Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.